Break Yo’ TV: Heidi Montag – “Higher”

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    Look below. How does this image make you feel? Take your eyes off of the focal points and actually look at it. It’s horrible, right? Add 6,000 or so similarly cringe-worthy frames, and you have Heidi Montag’s “Higher” music video. If you didn’t know, Montag is a face that launched a thousand ships, just in the opposite direction.

    As if being the annoying back-bone of MTV’s “reality” hit The Hills wasn’t enough for Montag, she has followed in the footsteps of many other socialite wannabees in launching so-called “careers” in fashion, film acting, and music.

    Paired with husband Spencer Pratt, Montag will cash in on any possibility. The couple latched onto I’m A Celebrity Get…Me Out Of Here!, and since then have staged numerous photo ops on their path to fame. This isn’t enough. Montag also tried to launch her own bikini line, named Heidiwood (ego much?). This is a different world. A world of straight to DVD movies, bargain bin CDs, and shitty spin-off clothes.

    Heidi burst onto the music scene with the abysmal “Higher”, a truly atrocious number that makes me question our humanity, as it charted at number seven on iTunes. Just who buys this shit? It’s all so fitting. While on the beach with the equally annoying Pratt, they decided to record the video, cranking up the boom box and, “filming it in one take.”

    To be fair, Spencer never had much to work with; the music is insulting on its lonesome. After opening sounds of “electricity” (’80s sound effects- think Thundercats, Transformers, etc.), Heidi launches into a positive ballad with terrible production to boot. Her voice is auto-tuned to hell and back, arriving back at the input end with zero emotion and no discernible purpose. After all, who could deliver lines such as, “feel the wind on your face/we frolic or race/we can go at your pace/pace, the power lifted me so I set me free/am I dreaming?” with any emotion? She throws some real clunkers out there.

    After the introduction, the instrumental kicks in, and Heidi runs across the beach in slow-motion, while birds fly away (and who wouldn’t?) as she pays homage to Pam’s Baywatch scene.

    The next three minutes look like a soft-core porno, with lots of L’Oreal, “cause-I’m-worth-it” hair tosses and suggestive looks. Yet, it is completely, utterly sexless. It just doesn’t add up, even with a boob and nose job I found the crassness hard to get past. She is half way through a particular verse when the wash comes in, dousing her with cold water, in which she abandons singing and instead puts on a smile. Can you get any more Z-list?

    The lyrics are emphasized with loads of dramatic arm throwing, shapes being popped for, “the world” to, “spread my wings” with classy jazz hands. There are many notable moments to share with you, worst of all when she suddenly begins to roll around in the sand.

    The video was so bad, in fact, that it was inducted into the pantheon of Web site memes by prompting numerous 2girls1cup (if you don’t know what this is, then don’t look it up) esque reaction videos, with people recoiling through sheer horror. It goes without saying that a number of parodies have been produced, many of which are superior to the original.

    Montag’s response again shows the sort of bimbo-behavior that got her into this situation in the first place. “I just started sobbing uncontrollably,” said Montag after hearing the backlash. When Audrina Patridge, fellow Hills socialite and pseudo-friend, was cornered at a red-carpet event about Montag’s new video, hilarity ensued. It was a left-field grilling, and she had an ‘uhmmmmm’ moment before replying, “Something Heidi and Spencer would do. I don’t know …” This is Hills speak for, “It’s totally crap, but I can’t say so.”

    The frightening thing is, the couple known as Speidi are nowhere near the peak of their crappy powers. She has produced two other atrocious videos — it was a tough choice for me, but “Higher” took the cake.

    So what’s next? Chart domination? I sincerely hope not. The only thing worse than this is the currently un-released demo where Spencer raps, “I’m the white Jay-Z in the game. I’m doing the baller thing. I’m more for the streets.”

    The only way is up, right?