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The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

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    weirdmerch The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    Think you’ll “Get Lucky” with those faux Durex Daft Punk condoms? What a laugh riot. While crazed fans will clench onto them in hopes of avoiding a night with the spank bank, Thomas Bangalter and Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo will be laughing their way to an actual bank. (Well, that is, if they’re actually real.) But you and I both know that’s not the first piece of rubbish to surface from any band’s camp. Not in a world where KISS exists, and especially not one where ravenous consumers are a dime a dozen.

    Truth: Music fans are no different than the hulking masses that loiter next to Wal-Mart at 3 p.m. on the Monday before Thanksgiving. They have the same potential chaotic chutzpah as the idiots shooting people for a pair of LeBrons. And while our punk rock might say otherwise, we’re innate consumers, ready to feast upon whatever we can get and whenever it’s available. At the end of the night, no band manager needs to be Richard M. Schulze to get their band a quick buck or five.

    That explains why those condoms exist (?) or why your next-door neighbor’s unemployed father hits Aspen every February with his tacky Rolling Stones skis in tow or how Gene Simmons continues to drink wine from the arteries of his newborn fans. Look, I get it, baby. I’m just as guilty as the poor sap waiting to order the Rammstein dildos. Fuck, slap on a Pearl Jam logo and woo-wee I’m sold.

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    Well, while that doesn’t exist (yet), we did find a few other items of note, the sort of purchases that would make your wallet literally jump out of your pocket, evolve into a cartoon character, and scream obscenities at you in disgust. Preferably in the mall. Or with Sinbad. You’ve stopped reading, haven’t you?

    –Michael Roffman
    President/Editor-in-Chief

    KISS Him Cologne

     The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    In an ideal world, nobody has ever wanted to smell like KISS. But, that utopia is galaxies away and worlds apart, leaving us, instead, at the mercy of carbon emissions and the not-so-subtle fragrances of Gene Simmons & Co. Back in 2006, the well-endowed bassist (at least in the mouth) unveiled the band’s unlikely (?) cash grab, and rockists haven’t smelled the same since. Here’s hoping the majority of Earth is allergic to one of the following: bergamot fir, balsam, black cumin, white pepper, moss, sandalwood, and anise. What’s even scarier? There’s a woman’s perfume, too. –Michael Roffman

    Creep Factor: 7.3/10

    Perfect for: The guy working multiple late-night shifts in need of a party.

    Gift wrap? Hey, why not. Say it’s from Doctor Love while you’re at it.

    GWAR-BQ Sauce

    gwarbq The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    The fact that something as ridiculous as a GWAR-themed barbecue sauce is maybe the least ridiculous thing GWAR has ever done speaks volumes as to how truly out of their intergalactic skulls the legendary comic metal outfit really is. But while it lacks the shock value of decapitating the president or conducting mock abortions onstage, the idea of marketing their own barbecue sauce is something you wouldn’t exactly put past them. Fuck, they’ve done everything else, so why not, right? –Ryan Bray

    Creep Factor: 4/10

    Perfect for: Anyone who likes it bloody… their steaks, that is. Sicko.

    Gift wrap? And get the paper all burnt on the grill? Shit son.

    Katy Perry panties

    katyperry The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    Somewhere in California the pitch went something like this to Ms. Perry: “Because, really, let’s face it. This is the closest any fan will ever get to your panties, am I right, KP?” At the time, she was either a.) on the phone with her then-husband Russell Brand, b.) still getting those braces removed, or c.) just nodding at everything to stave off the creepy suits. To play Devil’s advocate for a second, why wouldn’t the over-sexualized Perry sell something as over-sexualized as a pair of panties with her name on it? Here’s why: all the 12-year-olds yearning to be teenagers who flock to her shows anytime she’s in town. Yeah, put that wallet away. –Michael Roffman

    Creep Factor: Depending on the scene, we could be talking a 14 out of 10.

    Perfect for: Katy Perry

    Gift wrap? “Just one more thing to take off, dude.” — Mulch, your dealer

    OK Go’s Needing/Getting Air Fresheners

    okgofresh The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    With the innumerable amount of artist cologne and perfume lines out there, you can smell like just about any rock star, diva, or rap mogul you’d like. But who’s looking out for your car? The boys from OK Go, apparently. The Needing/Getting Air Freshener four-pack comes in the following car-pleasing scents: Andy (cinnamon-scented), Damian (new car-scented), Dan (pine-scented), and Tim (pineapple-scented). Finally, your car can smell tropical, like Tim Nordwind! –Matt Melis

    Creep Factor: 2… but a 10 if we find out that Tim Nordwind really does smell like pineapple.

    Perfect for: The car that thinks pine trees look tacky.

    Gift wrap? If you really think they won’t be surprised already.

    Grimes’ pussy rings

    Grimes-pussy-rings

    Claire Boucher wasn’t the first to stock her merch stands with items you thought were only sold at sex emporiums, but was quite possibly the first to offer one that pretty much serves no practical sexual purpose – and therefore, the best. They come in multiple colors, because actual vaginal mood rings were too expensive to make apparently, so just collect them all! –Steven Arroyo

    Creep Factor: On men? 10. On women? …10.

    Perfect for: If you’ve been thinking lately that nobody pays enough attention to your fingers.

    Gift wrap? …with Katy Perry’s merch panties.

    Mother Love Bone dog collar

    dogcolor The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    Your posters, decals, pins, patches, tees, and tats already tell us that you love grunge, and now your dog can, too! This 1”-wide, black pooch collar comes in a stylish pattern featuring alternating Mother Love Bone logo and bulldog illustrations. Rover will be ready to rock like it’s 1990! –Matt Melis

    Creep Factor: 3 if your dog wears it. 10 if you wear it.

    Perfect for: The mutt who wants to feel like a Stardog Champion

    Gift wrap? Your pooch isn’t gonna care either way. Your lover, on the other hand…

    Weezer Snuggie

    It’s hard to pinpoint when exactly Rivers Cuomo and Co. completely put the self-seriousness that marked their first two records behind them, but by the time they decided to tongue and cheekly jump in on the snuggie craze in 2009, the band had pretty much taken to just having fun with, well, everything, music or otherwise. The inexplicably popular blanketwear was thrown in with the purchase of the band’s 2009 effort Raditude, which I guess was supposed to be incentive to jump in with the worst record of the band’s career. The end results are debatable. –Ryan Bray

    Creep Factor: 7.1/10

    Perfect for: Your grandmother eagerly awaiting a proper follow-up to Pinkerton.

    Gift wrap? Only in special Weezer-styled paper. Short answer: no.

    Oasis kicks

    oasisshoe The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    I’m the type of runner that stares down a lot, so the last thing I need to gaze at is Noel friggin’ Gallagher. Still, to each their own. But hey, here’s a funny image: Could you imagine Gallagher himself selling you these shoes? Consider this a head start on that fairly unnecessary daydream. –Michael Roffman

    Creep Factor: 3.7/10

    Perfect for: Your Anglophile college pal who still thinks we’re a year or two away from America “getting” The Stone Roses.

    Gift wrap? Bag it up, instead.

    Mark Mulcahy’s bucket of Mezzotint honey

    MezzoHoneyBIG

    It’s the old you’ll-catch-more-fans-with-honey ploy taken quite literally. About the only thing sweeter than Mark Mulcahy’s jangly pop confections is the “Super-Premium Grade A” honey harvested from his private apiary and made available via his Mezzotint label. Adding to the appeal of 64 ounces of bee-made goodness is a colorful paint can container, with the insider joke to “Sell By 4.04”. –Matt Melis

    Creep Factor: 1/10… it’s just honey, honey

    Perfect for: Someone who wants to slather two coats of honey on their toast using a paintbrush

    Gift wrap? Too sticky.

    Wilco’s Garrett popcorn tubs

    Whole_Love_Bundle-350x330

    Wilco’s sound has evolved quite a ways over the course of their 18-year career, but at their heart the band has always been drawn to homespun Americana. And really, what’s more American than a tin full of popcorn? That’s all I’ve got. Beyond that, your guess is as good as mine. –Ryan Bray

    Creep Factor: 2/10

    Perfect for: …snacking on while listening to the warm ’70s pop rock of Sky Blue Sky.

    Gift wrap? Maybe fashion something out of one of Tweedy’s old nudie suits.

    deadmau5’s cat headphones

    catheadphones The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    Cats don’t like their owners, let alone music, but deadmau5 loves his kitty so much that he worked alongside frequent collaborator Joshua Davis to commission exclusive and highly expensive headphones for the feline kind. And while the average Zooey can’t afford its $1,000 asking price, celebrity furballs like Tardar Sauce and Snacks probably enjoy the effort. At the time of press, the DJ’s own Professor-Meowingtons could not be reached for meow. –Michael Roffman

    Creep Factor: Zero, more like the cute factor.

    Perfect for: turning that cat’s grumpy frown upside down.

    Gift wrap? Our office cats love to claw at paper, so that’s a 10-4, Garfield.

    The Flaming Lips’ Silver Trembling Fetus Ornament

    It’s hard at this point to be thrown by anything The Flaming Lips do. Even when they push the envelope to sadistic places almost no one would dare tred, everything the band does is met with a charming “Those crazy Flaming Lips”-kind of acceptance. That’s because beneath the inane shock value and sheer insanity of a lot of what the band does, there’s always something beautiful at play. Take, for instance, their fetus-shaped Christmas tree ornament. Yeah, it’s kind of a fucked up idea, but it also looks shiny and pretty cool. –Ryan Bray

    Creep Factor: A bold 9.5

    Perfect for: Anyone with a sense of humor about that whole pro-choice/pro-life debate.

    Gift wrap? A big plastic egg. Anyone?

    The Raconteurs’ soap

    raconteurssoap The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    Okay, so I get Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” condoms, but more often than not it seems there’s really no thematic thread tying bands to their products. Take for instance The Raconteurs, who decided to grace the world with their own soap. Why? Who knows, who cares. It’s pretty funny, and considering the band pledges its allegiance to dirty swamp blues and arena rock as well as anything else in Jack White’s sonic repertoire, there’s a healthy dose of irony to the band attaching its name to something so clean. –Ryan Bray

    Creep Factor: 7/10

    Perfect for: Those who feel the need to pledge their undying loyalty to their favorite band in the shower.

    Gift wrap? You’re giving soap as a gift? Ask yourself that first.

    Rammstein’s dildo box set

    rammsteindildos The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    When the German metal outfit announced their box set would include dildos, handcuffs, and lotion, rumors flooded the Internet that they were molded to the band members’ actual penises. Sadly, that’s not the case, but still: A band released a boxset with over a dozen dildos. Questions: Who the hell needs that many dildos? Why would you ever fiddle around with one to Rammstein? And, c’mon, are we really supposed to believe that small bottle of lube is gonna do the trick? Ahem, your rebuttal, gentlemen. –Michael Roffman

    Creep Factor: 10/10

    Perfect for: That one friend who added “Rammstein albums” and “dildos” to their Amazon wishlist.

    Gift wrap? It comes in a box, so no. A dick box.

    Alice Cooper’s eyeliner

    whiplash The 25 Weirdest Pieces of Band Merchandise

    Want to look like a junkie clown? Then you need Alice Cooper’s unisex mascara: Whiplash! Whiplash will magically transform your children into creepy perverts ready to “whip the ones they love.” Definitely not parent-friendly here, considering the kinky bondage implications. Plus, it’s also hard to take beauty tips from a man dressed in aluminum foil. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yeah? –Allison Franks

    Creep Factor: 8/10

    Perfect for: Your local street performer. Picture this: A sidewalk full of Alice Cooper mimes. *shivers*

    Gift wrap? Psht. There’s no need to be Mr. Nice Guy.

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