In March of 1981, Billboard introduced Top Tracks, a new chart designed to measure the airplay of songs aired on “album-oriented rock radio stations.” Since then, the list’s had several face-lifts and name changes — from Top Rock Tracks to Album Rock Tracks to Mainstream Rock Tracks. Why tracks over singles? Because not all the stuff getting airplay on the radio was a single.
Over the past three decades, the chart’s seen its golden days (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “You Got Lucky”; Pat Benatar’s “Love Is a Battlefield”), its proud moments (The Replacements’ “I’ll Be You”; R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion”), its loud times (Soundgarden’s “Blow Up the Outside World”; The Offspring’s “Gone Away”), and its confusing twists (Kiss’s “Psycho Circus”; Eddie Money’s “The Love in Your Eyes”).
The chart’s also had its share of lousy stretches — many of them downright horrific. And because we’re pessimists, we decided to collect the very, very worst of them* and carve it down to a list of 25 scumbag tracks. So, as you click on through, remember that each entry we included was once on top of the world… of rock, that is.
* We opted to ignore Nickelback, namely because we wanted to challenge ourselves.
Artwork by Sam Moore; titles by Steven Fiche.
25. Slash feat. Miles Kennedy – “You’re a Lie”
When Axl Rose finally tossed out Chinese Democracy back in 2008, there were the old-school Guns N’ Roses fans who pined for Slash ad nauseum. (Admittedly, I was one of them. No matter how good any guitarist may be, they’ll never play “November Rain” with the chutzpah of this guy.) Though, if I had to write Slash fan fiction, I’d probably start every story with a prologue similar to Dexter‘s opening title credits, complete with extreme descriptions of his everyday mundane activities, like polishing his hat, choosing which aviator glasses to wear, eating a bowl of Smacks, and texting Axl the following: “I’m so sorry for working with Miles Kennedy. I’m an idiot. Lol.” How this overproduced, antiseptic, cornballer of an “anthem” ever topped anything other than a bargain bin is beyond me. America’s backyard of morons, congratulations — this one’s on you. -Michael Roffman
24. Tantric – “Breakdown”
Nu metal or post-grunge or whatever you want to call it has many cliches, from big, stupid chords to adding a big, stupid, James Hetfield-aping “eeeyah” to the end of every phrase. However, the most common—and perhaps most subtle—calling card of all is the mini rap. Now we’re not talking Limp Bizkit levels of rhyme-spitting douchebaggery, but rather a tiny inflection of white-bread rapping weaved into a phrase here and there. Nickelback sprinkles it throughout the verses of “How You Remind Me”, specifically on the words “paperback novel” and “I’m gonna make it alright, but not right now” in “Someday”. But Tantric pulls off the sly trick of doing it throughout the entirety of their smash hit “Breakdown” without ever pushing the song into full-blown rap-metal territory. To paraphrase Verbal Kint in The Usual Suspects, “The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he wasn’t shittily rapping, when, in fact, he was shittily rapping.” -Dan Caffrey
23. David Lee Roth – “Just Like Paradise”
Steve Vai might not sleep well at night. I wouldn’t if I had “Just Like Paradise” on my resume. The track shares the musty locker room odor of your coach’s VHS tape of Baseball Bloopers. Recorded in 1988, David Lee Roth’s lead single off his sophomore solo album, Skyscraper, sounds like the sort of ’80s anthem that producers at ABC tried to shill on early seasons of Full House. It’s a tragedy-by-numbers bang-up job: Vai’s guitar work gets all Vertigo over Eddie Van Halen’s past riffage, while Roth screams about a paradise that never existed for him post-Van Halen. It’s baffling how music critic Charles Bottomley originally called it “a polished ode to decadence, with a chorus you would be unashamed to punch the air to.” Yikes, talk about paradise lost. -Michael Roffman
22. Linkin Park – “Burn It Down”
Linkin Park had a fresh sound when it hit the scene in 2000: raucous riffs, twitchy electronics, a bracing blend of rock and hip-hop vocals. Quickly, though, it rotted, undone by a legion of nu-metal copycats and a fan base unwilling to indulge its experiments in atmosphere over aggression. Last year’s “Burn It Down”, for example, soared to the top of the Billboard Rock Charts on the wings of lazy caterwauling, lazier rhymes, and a boilerplate chorus that wouldn’t have been out of place on 2000’s Hybrid Theory. But hey, if it gets people to hear a track like “Roads Untraveled”, a truly bewitching song on the same record, then all is not lost. -Randall Colburn
21. Three Doors Down – “Loser”
Not that I’m hip to Three Doors Down trivia, but according to their Wikipedia, this song’s about a kid addicted to cocaine. I’m hardly one to endorse a drug of any sort, but judging from the way he repeats the chorus for about 46 minutes, singer Brad Arnold really, really has it in for this guy. Me? I’ve never known anyone who snorted China White to be this epic of a failure. Problematic, sure. Whatever the case, I think Arnold’s a little too hyperbolic here. I mean, c’mon, read this line with a straight face: “Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of this poison is taking me higher.” What? Is there something on my nose? Whatever. -Michael Roffman