Artwork by Cap Blackard (Buy Prints + More!)
Action figures are more than little pieces of plastic. For some, they’re relics of a time when the bedroom floor was a personal sandbox, a place where Gotham City, Endor, or LV-426 might come to life with just a few books, a piece of cardboard, or an elaborate play set. For others, they’re badges of honor, a collection of rare finds that only few ever care to possess.
I love ’em. As a kid, they fueled my imagination for countless afternoons by carrying out the story in ways that went beyond the credits or the last panel of a comic book. There was something exciting in knowing that all of my heroes and villains were within my reach and that the possibilities were endless. This feeling became so powerful that I’d seek out figures for any franchise that caught my eye.
Today, that obsession continues, albeit a tad more controlled. Don’t get the net; I’m not sitting here playing with figures all night. Or any night, for that matter. My interest, instead, has become more of a celebration. I’ll buy a Marty McFly figure because, well, I still love the movie and want to relish that passion. It’s comforting for me.
That’s why I thought that I’d come clean, admit my obsession, and start talking about the various movie-related figures of the past, present, and beyond in a new column for 2015 called: Well, That Figures. As a preview, I spent the past few weeks waxing nostalgic alongside senior staff writers Dan Caffrey and Cap Blackard. With the holidays upon us — a time once reserved for toy-driven wish lists — it made sense.
What we came up with is a list of the worst and best action figure lines based strictly on movies. That means you won’t find any praise for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dino-Riders, The “Real” Ghostbusters, or any of the exceptional DC or Marvel collections based on the cartoons or comic books.
We also decided to nix any reboot or commemorative figures that have popped up decades later. Most of these jaw dropping collections — thank you, Movie Maniacs — were created by fans heavily invested in crafting the perfect figures for franchises that either didn’t have a chance or weren’t brought to justice.
So, instead, these are the figures that were born for the aisles of TRU or KB or Lionel Playworld or FAO Schwartz or any other toy store that dates me. It’s heavy in nostalgia, sure, but there’s also some things to take away from each analysis. Just know, this is only the tip of the Lego iceberg because, come next year, we’ll be neck high in plastic.
5. Batman (1989)
When Tim Burton resurrected the Batman franchise with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson, Warner Bros. was blindsided by a new generation of fans demanding action figures based on the film. So, they quickly supplied theaters with mail-in brochures, which featured a gluttony of Batman-related merchandise (see above). To their credit, Toy Biz managed to whip up an iconic Batman figure, featuring a cloth cape and a repelling grappling hook, in addition to a credible Batmobile and Batwing. However, they also recycled and repainted the majority of their past work, specifically the Joker, the Batcave, and a number of vehicles that weren’t even in the film. This cheap shortcut would continue to plague the franchise, even after Kenner took over, spawning a strange dichotomy of quality vs. absolute crap. For instance, this looks like Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman, but does this look anything like Danny DeVito to you? Even as a nine-year-old, it was frustrating.
WTF Figure: Granted, the original 1989 film doesn’t have too many iconic characters outside of its titular hero and the clown, but why Bob the Goon? Yes, he’s Joker’s ::squeezes shoulder, breathes heavily:: “NUMBER ONE GUY,” but he also doesn’t make for a very action-oriented figure. Regardless, the lovable Tracey Walter walked home with his own piece of plastic…
MIA: …while Kim Basinger’s Vicki Vale, Michael Gough’s Alfred, and Keaton’s own Bruce Wayne (well, until Batman Returns) were without goody bags. The lack of a female presence, however, is something that would plague most action figure lines of the ’80s and ’90s — a grating vacancy that destroyed many playground recreations.
4. Men in Black
By all accounts, Barry Sonnenfeld’s iconic 1997 comedy deserved a stellar action figure line. On paper, the entire story reads like a blueprint to sell merchandise, considering the unique artillery, eccentric aliens, and the mysterious Ray Ban-wearing heroes. Instead, Galoob released an uninspired lineup of toys that were borderline in-action figures. Both Jay and Kay were shaped in awkward running poses, while one of the film’s most memorable characters — Tony Shalhoub’s Jeebs — was confined behind a desk, forever condemned to explode and reassemble his own head. The paint jobs were weak, the accessories were non-existent, and the likenesses were beyond pitiful. The tragedy is that future toy lines for the later sequels would rectify most of these problems, but c’mon, have you seen Men in Black II? Yikes.
WTF Figure: Vincent D’Onofrio’s Edgar is unrecognizable, a lurching green shape that holds a shotgun. This is a character that transforms throughout the entire film, and the designers apparently attempted to catch all that with a figure that appears as if he’s caught in the midst of being fast-forwarded — on VHS, no less.
MIA: The film’s accompanying bendable line cleaned house on some of the surrounding aliens, but how about Zed? Or Agent L? Or Frank the Dog? Nah, we’re good with this Rock Em Sock Em Jay-Alien thingy. Actually, I’d like to imagine that some fan out there still revisits that thing on rainy, boring days with their friends. “Hey guys, I got something we could do…” ::groans abound::
3. Superman Returns
Lots of folks hated on Bryan Singer’s 2006 sequel/reboot of the Superman series for its slow pace and somber tone. Fair enough. I actually loved the film for those very reasons — it had a cosmic dreaminess about it that suited Clark Kent’s existential crisis — but no such seriousness was found in DC’s action figure line. Where as Brandon Routh’s muscles were realistic and subtle in the same vein as Christopher Reeve’s, the toys made him comically ripped. His shoulders are so disproportionate and bulky, it’s as if the arms came from an entirely separate mold than the rest of the figure. Maybe DC was trying to save face with their fans, making up for the film’s lack of campiness and fun.
WTF Figure: If we’re being honest, Lex Luthor has never been the most physically imposing character, not to mention his repeated appearances had made him a tired villain by the time Superman Returns was released. But Kevin Spacey brought palpable snark, charisma, and menace to the role, all of which went out the window with an action figure that looked like Uncle Fester.
MIA: Other than Superman and Luthor, pretty much everyone. Okay, it’s not like we need a Jimmy Olsen figure or anything, but what about Lois Lane or, better yet, Parker Posey’s demented turn as Luthor’s parasitic henchwoman, Kitty Kowalski? Neither of them are to be found, with DC opting instead for a laughable number of Superman figures in different boring scenarios: changing out of his Clark-Kent clothes, lifting up a broken statue, lifting up building wreckage of The Daily Planet, lifting up a delivery truck of The Daily Planet, and more lifting up of things.
2. Demolition Man
Nobody was demanding an action figure lineup for Sylvester Stallone’s sci-fi action vehicle Demolition Man. (In hindsight, the SEGA and SNES games were more than enough; a fun afternoon side-scroller that captured the film’s thrills.) But hey, Warner Bros. wanted to capitalize where the similarly R-rated Terminator franchise bankrolled on, and so, Mattel re-painted their old He-Man sculpts and delivered six-inch copies of John Spartan, Simon Phoenix, and Edgar Friendly. To nobody’s surprise, the figure line flopped, but for good reason: Unlike Kenner’s flawed yet successful T2 figure line, Mattel didn’t capture anything that made Demolition Man exciting. They ignored the future set pieces, the cryogenic tubes, and all of the future cars. And sadly, they left it up to Planet Hollywood to produce a proper naked Sly Stallone to behold.
WTF Figure: Edgar Friendly. Could you imagine seeing this interpretation of Denis Leary doing the entire No Cure for Cancer special? Someone with clever skills in stop-motion animation has a new hurdle to jump.
MIA: Sandra Bullock’s Lenina Huxley would have been far more vital than having a figure of Edgar, but you know, she’s a girl and all, so yuck, right? Let’s just say she avoided a catastrophe, though this one remains a mystery…
1. Mission: Impossible
Brian De Palma’s Mission: Impossible proved to be exactly that for whoever handled the film’s merchandising back in 1996. Not only did its companion video game shit the bed — quickly becoming one of the worst titles to ever hit the N64, which was pretty hard given the sea of awfulness at the time — but the action figure line failed in every possible way, too. To be fair, the post-Cold War spy thriller didn’t exactly scream for plastic — that is, unless you walked out dying for a Vanessa Redgrave figure — but never has a line actually admitted such defeat. Tradewinds Toys commissioned three separate Ethan Hunt figures, all over-muscled, oversized, and over-joyed, and literally nothing else, which leads to the question: What the hell were kids supposed to do with these? Outside of treating a spare Egon Spengler figure as Jim Phelps or maybe a Mondo Gecko as Job, there’s little else anyone can do with these. Well, that’s not true; the accompanying rubber masks provided quite the resource for those looking to make custom Michael Myers figures. This writer included.
WTF Figure: The entire line. That’s not hyperbolic. Look above again.
MIA: Everyone not named Ethan Hunt. The missions, too.