A Padawan’s Guide to Star Wars Porn Adaptations

Because apparently some of us like our threesomes with a wookie and two stormtroopers...

A Padwan's Guide to Star Wars Pornography
A Padwan’s Guide to Star Wars Pornography
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This feature originally ran in December 2015. It’s blasting off again in anticipation of Solo: A Star Wars Story.

Nothing But Star Wars 2A long time ago, we were just stargazing kids, worshiping our letterbox collection of George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy. Years later, the Force is strong with us once again as we do the Imperial March towards Ron Howard’s Solo: A Star Wars StoryTo celebrate, we’re spending the week talking about Nothing but Star Wars! with a rogue squadron of features, essays, and stories. Our Star Wars week arguably climaxes with our Padawan’s Guide to Star Wars Porn Adaptations … Hey, it’s not like we filmed it ourselves. Stop judging.

It seems like just about anything can get a porn parody these days. A cursory Google search reveals adult knock-offs of Breaking Bad, American Dad!, and even Mythbusters. As the 34th rule of the internet dictates, “If it exists, there is porn of it.”

So, yeah, anything can get a porn parody. But can you get two? Three? Five? That’s when you’ll know you’ve truly made it. And judging by the sheer amount of Star Wars porn parodies out there, George Lucas can finally rest assured that he’s made an impact. In anticipation of Solo: A Star Wars Story (and its eventual porn parody), we at CoS have decided to comb the dark corners of the internet for the best, worst, and weirdest Star Wars live-action smut. Yes, that’s live-action smut, for were we to delve into the animated stuff we’d … well, we’d simply never be the same.

To go about doing this, we set the rule that it had to be a proper, full-length production. None of this skit business, or we’d be here all day. We also broke down categories of analysis, as follows:

A Striking Resemblance: How much does it look like any of the Star Wars movies, new or old or both?

Who Meets During the Journey? Which characters are led together by fate to enjoy one another’s company?

A Long, Long Time Ago: How does the film hold up today?

Does the Force Awaken? Is there anything in this film that may actually be appealing to one end or another for most human beings?

Now, let’s set off for the not-so-distant past.

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Star Babe (1977)

star babe movie poster 9999 1020685992 A Padawans Guide to Star Wars Porn AdaptationsA Striking Resemblance: Star Babe was released the same year as Star Wars, giving it the distinction of being the first film to introduce dongs to the Star Wars universe. It has its own plot – The Star Angels are sent to the planet Phallus to prevent a takeover of Earth, according to IMDB – but it clearly takes place in the same world as Luke and Leia, what with the appearance of Darth Vader and a Stormtrooper, who join forces to double-team one of the Angels. There’s also a terrifying Chewbacca knock-off named Woogie and a busted-ass cantina that makes Mos Eisley look like Alinea. You’ll also hear a garbled riff on John Williams’ iconic score during the opening scroll.

Who Meets During the Journey? You’ll find no Luke Skywalker or Han Solo in Star Babe; the Angels pretty much just get off with Woogie and some weird aliens in the cantina. In the end, they triple-team some dude called Captain Marvelous, who seems to have no precedent in the Star Wars universe at all. Something tells me they only watched the trailer.

A Long, Long Time Ago: Star Babe seems to be remembered more for its poster than the movie itself. Not surprising, really, as it’s pretty standard ‘70s smut: reliably filthy with a touch too much story. Some guys were so struck by the movie’s special effects, however, that they compiled them all into a SFW video that they feel serves as a tribute to Stanley Kubrick. I can see it, honestly.

Does the Force Awaken? Not particularly, unless you’re into watching people bang in monster masks. And maybe you are. No judgement here. Unless you’re into Woogie. Woogie is a walking nightmare.

Randall Colburn

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Sex Wars (1986)

Sex-WarsA Striking Resemblance: Sex Wars at least mirrors Star Wars more than Star Babe, with characters like Princess Layme, Brinker Duo, and Mark Starkiller standing in for their respective namesakes. Here, Princess Layme recruits the boys to help her save Princess Orgasma from the planet Tryos. Once the evil, chrome-domed Baltazar shows up, though, we’re in full-blown Star Trek territory. One character does randomly wear an Admiral Ackbar mask, though, which is hilarious.

Who Meets on the Journey? As thanks for joining her, Princess Layme treats Brinker Duo and Mark Starkiller to a threesome. Otherwise, the sex mostly happens between one of those three, Princess Orgasma, and any number of intergalactic weirdos. There’s more sex among the cantina patrons, too, though this saloon is more The Fifth Element than Mos Eisley.

A Long, Long Time Ago: Sex Wars lauds itself as being the first adult film to have “major studio sci-fi,” a marketing trick that the makers of 2005’s astronomically budgeted Pirates would adopt some years later. The flaccid green screens and cheesy costumes are hilarious now, but in 1986, Sex Wars was at least visually on par with Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. It’s also, like most ‘80s relics, pretty racist.

Does the Force Awaken? Well, there are fewer monster masks, so that’s a bonus. Most importantly, though? No Woogie.

Randall Colburn

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Space Nuts (2003)

380full space nuts poster A Padawans Guide to Star Wars Porn AdaptationsA Striking Resemblance: If its name wasn’t enough of an indication, Space Nuts is essentially the Spaceballs of the porn universe. Bright and slapstick-y (emphasis on the sticky), the movie is a mish-mash of intergalactic influences. The Fabio-esque Evan Stone stars as Buzz Starfokker, a Han Solo type that shoots first (no, seriously) and joins forces with Stormy Daniels’ Princess Hubba Hubba to help save the Clitorian universe. A dandy robot played by Randy Spears is a clear C-3PO knock-off, and yes, there’s another cantina scene. At 3+ hours, Space Nuts is epic by any standard.

Who Meets During the Journey?: The whole thing’s essentially building towards a Princess Hubba Hubba and Buzz Starfokker bone sesh, so that should be nice for Han and Leia shippers. Spears’ robot gets busy on multiple occasions, and, if you’re into it, a Mystique stand-in caked in bright, blue full-body makeup reveals her lust for dongs of the human persuasion.

A Long, Long Time Ago: As far as porn comedies go, you could do a lot worse than Space Nuts. Everyone’s having fun, nobody’s taking things too seriously, and Evan Stone chomps the scenery like a Great White in heat. Space Nuts is one of those few porn flicks that’s effectively entered the mainstream, what with its cameo in Judd Apatow’s The 40-Year-Old Virgin. He even brought back Space Nuts star Stormy Daniels for his following comedy, Knocked Up.  

Does the Force Awaken? Again, it’s just fine for what it is. Also, no Woogie.

–Randall Colburn

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Porn Wars Episode 1 (2006)

Porn wars[Editor’s Note: Because younglings may be reading, we can only show about 16% of this film’s poster. If you look closely, though, you can just make out a lightsaber.]

A Striking Resemblance: Only in the loosest possible sense. There are what appear to be Jedi, who in the film’s mostly silent early sequence are in training with the most cutting-edge “I have to take this After Effects class for my film degree and I’m really not great at this part of filmmaking but my final’s due so here’s this” special effects imaginable. The figure that’s ostensibly Darth Vader if you sort of relax your eyes and tilt your head like one of those depth perception puzzles is disappointing, though, in its Power Rangers stylistic choices and general lack of presence in the dark suit.

Credit where credit’s due, though: In order to maintain the illusion or just to get down to business, most of the films in this article tend to focus on the interpersonal melodramas of the series instead of the balletic space dogfights, but Porn Wars Episode 1 actually focuses most of its effects budget and interstitial time in that area.

Who Meets During the Journey?: The film is really more of a meditation on the larger Star Wars theme and its instant recognition in the general populace’s imaginations than a straight adaptation. This seems like as good a time as any to also hit on the point that all these mating Jedi (or Jodi, here) would really be in breach of the knighthood’s standards and practices as well.

Having said that, a cursory glance at the film’s IMDB page also offers some of the more innovatively outlandish character re-namings in the pantheon of research done. A favorite: Croonly Sertsome.

A Long, Long Time Ago: 2006 would situate this film just after Revenge of the Sith, which makes sense; the art direction and general overall color palette on hand, whether on land or in space, is more reflective of George Lucas’ later-era penchant for sand beiges. Overall, it’s aesthetically keeping with the general Skinemax material of the time, no better and maybe just a tad worse.

Does the Force Awaken?: The disappointing thing is that not even in the adult film world can you get away from this interpretation of the Star Wars saga being part of a long-running franchise, as this film is. At times it’s difficult to consider just how long the arm of exploitation has grown from its humble but long-envisioned beginnings. So many adulthoods spent, chasing that childlike sense of wonder once found in the original films, even to more brazen places.

Also, this is pretty corny overall.

Dominick Suzanne-Mayer

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Star Wars XXX (2012)

328866 aa A Padawans Guide to Star Wars Porn AdaptationsA Striking Resemblance: The film resembles Star Wars inasmuch as it actually includes the same main characters as the iconic 1977 film, along with a hodgepodge of more recent costume-friendly creatures (there’s a costume undercurrent to this film, and really every other one on this list, that warrants acknowledgment as a clever and subtle undertone to the proceedings). Most of the narrative beats only vaguely resemble that film, though, mostly due to the choice to not include any gay scenes in the pornographic retelling of the original film. It really draws attention to how A New Hope is an overwhelmingly male-dominated film, which speaks well to both how powerfully Leia rose into American iconography on the merits of her storytelling and how much progress is being made with The Force Awakens, if you think about it. However…

Who Meets During the Journey?: …the similarities otherwise end at the character names, which is probably a good thing. Let’s table the issues inherent in a Leia-Darth Vader encounter and instead move on to the image of Chewbacca enjoying the company of Stormtroopers in a polyamorous situation. Obi-Wan meets a Tusken Raider on the road, and while one might get to wondering why the body beneath the travel garb looks so dully human for the subsequent sex scene, one should then immediately try to recall that weird E.T. porn adaptation from the ‘80s and what happens when Rick Baker creature makeup descends into a hell of fleshy lovemaking.

Incidentally, a career in pop subcultural writing takes you to some weird places, and none of them are weirder than witnessing Chewbacca accept enthusiastic fellatio.

A Long, Long Time Ago: This category is less applicable in this instance, since Star Wars XXX just came out in 2012.

Q: Did the internet have a field day with “well, it’ll be better than the prequels” jokes at the time?

A: Yes. Yes, it did.

But on that basis, it’s by far the cleanest production (in a highly liberal use of the phrasing) of those discussed in this feature. Honest query: For some, will there be a nostalgia for this down the line as is the case with the namesake’s original trilogy?

And as we’ve pointed out elsewhere, porn got a lot less creepily lecherous and racist as time has gone on. In all aspects of the world, this is always a good thing worth noting.

Does the Force Awaken?: So here’s the thing. If you’re going to watch porn that looks like movies you previously enjoyed while simultaneously wishing that all the characters were fucking while you watched it, these higher-end, industry-branded parodies are probably the way to go. This isn’t some subliminal paid endorsement or anything, mind you; there’s simply a demonstrable level of quality to something like Star Wars XXX that extends beyond most of the rest of what we’re talking about in this article/the pantheon of Star Wars-minded smut in general.

Dominick Suzanne-Mayer

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