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Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

A bloody, messy, and unforgiving dissection of the Voorhees' reign of terror

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    This feature originally ran in May 2016. We’re reposting it today because … well, check your calendar.

    Why do I love the Friday the 13th franchise so much? Most entries feature poor directing, acting, writing, editing, lighting — really every credit involved in making a movie. The best way to describe this series, and the slasher genre as a whole, is to look at it as a roller coaster.

    If you look at a roller coaster as a sound, structural piece of transportation, it’s a disaster. The loops are dangerous. The corkscrews look nauseating. Those drops? Unnecessary. But we still ride them because we know we’re safe. We can scream and yell and twist and turn, but we’re strapped in. If we experienced something akin to a roller coaster on a highway heading from New York to Florida, we’d be horrified.

    halloweenies 13th HORIZONTAL Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

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    Like roller coasters, the Friday series is a temporary escape. We don’t root for killers in our everyday lives (at least I don’t). We don’t laugh when people get decapitated, impaled, or torn in two. These movies are fun rides for about 87 minutes a pop. You can even be afraid of heights and enjoy them for what they are.

    However, if the sight of blood, fake or otherwise, gets to you, look away. I took a deep dive into Jason, his mother, the paramedic who kills all those kids in the fifth movie, and dissected each entry, ranked them, and then went ahead and ranked the kills in each movie. Yes, I even included the spinoff Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake. Please feel free to comment with your outrage below.

    Happy Friday the 13th. I’ll let the narrator from The New Blood take it from here…

    “There’s a legend round here. A killer buried, but not dead. A curse on Crystal Lake. A death curse. Jason Voorhees’ curse. They say he died as a boy, but he keeps coming back. Few have seen him and lived. Some have even tried to stop him. No one can. People forget he’s down there…waiting…

    –Justin Gerber
    Senior Staff Writer

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    P.S. A special thanks to Friday the 13th The Franchise for help with the body count.

    blood divider Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

    12. Friday the 13th (2009)

    friday the 13th

    “Plot”: A group of teens stay at a lake house on Crystal Lake for the weekend while a young man searches for his missing sister. Jason’s back … for the first time.

    Jason: Derek Mears, a proper actor, takes up the reigns in this franchise reboot. Because of the new circumstances, this Jason is an actual living, breathing psychopath for the first time since Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, unless you believe he died at the end of Part 3, unless you believe adult Jason was always dead — who cares. Mears is fine. His Jason actually tricks his victims by using others to lure them out (burning sleeping bag, dying post-ax attack, etc.).

    Murder by Death — Ranking the Kills:
    01. Amanda
    02. Nolan
    03. Chelsea
    04. Jenna
    05. Officer Bracke
    06. Lawrence
    07. Mike
    08. Richie
    09. Chewie
    10. Bree
    11. Trent DeMarco
    12. Mrs. Voorhees
    13. Wade
    14. Donnie

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    Final Girl: Credit goes to the filmmakers for pulling a last-minute switcheroo. There isn’t a moment that we don’t truly believe Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) will be the last one standing…until she isn’t. After helping Whitney (Amanda Righetti) escape, Jenna gets machete’d. I did not see that coming. This leaves the Miller siblings (Righetti and Supernatural’s Jared Padalecki) as the last survivors … until Jason emerges from the water. Roll credits.

    Comedy Relief: A progressive movie. The geek this time … is played by an actor of Asian descent! Aaron Yoo plays Chewie, a science nerd with abilities to create fun ways to smoke weed. Aside from Jenna and Clay, everyone in this movie is a total jerk, including the aforementioned geek. This works heavily against the movie. Rooting for Jason is one thing, but actively rooting against the cast of hunks and hotties is another.

    Town Crazy: There is an old woman who passes on some guarded information about Jason, but I think the real crazy comes in the character of Donnie (Kyle Davis). A local mechanic/pothead, Donnie has a mannequin in storage he’s been intimate with. I don’t mean to judge, but this guy sounds like a real nut. His habitat also provides housing for a hockey mask, which Jason picks up halfway through the movie.

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    Best Kill: In an homage to one of the most popular deaths in the franchise, Amanda is killed in her sleeping bag. However, this time the victim is zipped up in her sleeping bag and burned alive atop a campfire. Its little homages like this that make the movie something other than disposable (see also: a wheelchair in Jason’s lair).

    Reboot? Sequel? Remake?: Filmmakers seemed confused about what to do with this movie. With a prologue that remakes the original’s ending, gives us a modern-day rag-faced Jason (Part 2), a brother searching for what happened to his sister (The Final Chapter), and Jason finding the hockey mask (Part 3), what is this supposed to be?

    Summary: Just read the above. What works most against this remake is a sense of individuality. Even the worst entries have something about them that stands out, what with those trips to Manhattan, demon possession, and when the killer turns out to be someone other than Jason. This plays like the greatest hits re-recorded, and why do that when you can just check out the originals? More pointless than incompetent, but pointless nonetheless.

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    blood divider Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

    11. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

    Friday9

    “Plot”: The spirit demon of Jason finds new hosts to continue his reign of terror. That’s great and all, but where the hell is Jason?

    Jason: Kane Hodder returns for the third time. This go-round finds Jason worse for the wear: His hockey mask sunken into his bloated, living corpse — good makeup. Too bad he’s in the movie for about 10 minutes. Hodder also appears as a security guard who gets offed by a possessee. If my calculations are correct, the guy who plays Jason plays a guy who gets killed by a guy playing Jason who isn’t Jason. Checks out.

    Murder by Death – Ranking the Kills:
    01. Deborah
    02. Vicki
    03. Edna
    04. Joey B.
    05. Shelby
    06. Robert
    07. Alexis
    08. Officer Mark and Officer Brian
    09. Creighton
    10. Diana
    11. Coroner’s Assistant
    12. Sheriff Landis
    13. Randy
    14. FBI Agent #1 (off-screen)
    15. FBI Agent #2 (off-screen)
    16. Luke (off-screen)
    17. Officer Ryan
    18. Ward
    19. Diner Patron #1
    20. Diner Patron #2

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    Final Girl: It’s a family affair. Steven (John D. LeMay) reunites with his ex-Jessica (Kari Keegan) and their daughter, literally walking off into the sunset together. Fans may recognize LeMay from his work on the Friday the 13th TV series, where he played Ryan for two years. The series was from the producers of the Friday franchise, but had nothing to do with Jason, his mother, or Camp Crystal Lake. The name sells, baby!

    Comedy Relief: Not a lot of humor here. Diner owners Shelby and Joey B. are a couple of stereotypical rednecks with an equally goofy son in Ward. They meet predictably grisly ends, most notably an elbow to the face that caves in Joey’s jaw, or grill — because they work at a diner. The inclusion of The Evil Dead’s Necronomicon is a nice touch, as is the ending (more on that later).

    Town Crazy: No town crazy this time, though everyone believes Steven is responsible for all the murders. What’s crazy is that there is no Jason in a movie with Jason. Sure, we get him in reflections of mirrors near crime scenes to remind us that this is supposed to be a Friday film, but is that enough? At least have the common courtesy to trick us into believing there’s a Jason when there really isn’t (ex. A New Beginning).

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    Best Kill: The best kill is actually in the “Director’s Cut”, which is the only version you should check out. It arrives mid-coitus when Jason (a.k.a. the coroner) shoves a post through a woman riding atop a young fella, tearing said post up and splitting the woman in half. The ultimate example of why you shouldn’t have sex in these movies.

    Freddy v Jason: Dawn of Nightmare: The last shot of this movie is the best final shot of the entire franchise. Jason is dead (again). Some dust blows away from his resting place, and we get a glimpse of the hockey mask. Suddenly a familiar gloved hand shoots up from beneath the ground and takes the mask back to hell. It’s Freddy (hand provided by Hodder)! Yes, because New Line Cinema now had the rights to both the Friday and Nightmare franchises, it appeared as though a match-up was just right around the corner. Years of Development Hell meant we wouldn’t see said match-up for another decade.

    Summary: JGTH is an utter mess. I didn’t even mention the plot regarding Jason’s family and how only they can destroy him once and for all. Why do these producers need to over-complicate matters? If “Keep It Simple Stupid” ever applied to anything, it’s to slasher movies. Jason doesn’t like people on his turf. The end. The fact that they don’t utilize the real Jason apart from the prologue and climax doesn’t help matters, either. The last Friday movie for eight years.

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    blood divider Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

    10. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

    Friday8

    “Plot”: A senior class sets sail for New York, with Jason acting as an unwanted chaperone. How their ship managed to port at Crystal Lake, let alone get to New York, isn’t important (apparently).

    Jason: Kane Hodder returns as Jason, becoming the first actor to put in a repeat performance. After losing the mask he somehow managed to keep despite two trips to the morgue (thanks to a psychic teen in the preceding entry), he has a new hockey mask to slash around in. This one comes courtesy of some prankster he kills at the beginning of the movie. Said prankster’s name is Jim. Guy was lame.

    Murder by Death – Ranking the Kills:
    01. Julius
    02. Other Boxer
    03. J.J.
    04. Charles
    05. Tamara
    06. Admiral Robertson
    07. Eva
    08. Wayne
    09. Miles
    10. Gang Banger #1
    11. Carlson
    12. Jim
    13. Suzi
    14. Gang Banger #2
    15. Sanitation Worker
    16. Deck Hand
    17. Irish Cop (off-screen)
    18. Colleen

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    Final Girl: A couple of hot students, Rennie (Jensen Daggett) and Sean (Scott Reeves), make it to Manhattan with a group of classmates and teachers, but are the only ones to make it out alive (along with a dog). Rennie’s background includes a tale involving her uncle (Peter Mark Richman) tossing her into Crystal Lake as a kid in order to teach her how to swim. Besides that being a dick move, she was also grabbed by Jason, who appeared as a little boy. If you try to do the math, it won’t work out for you.

    Comedy Relief: A pretty humorless movie save one scene (Jason sees a hockey advert on a giant billboard, turns and faces the camera). The marketing for the film is another story. Jason slashing his way through an “I Love New York” poster was ultimately pulled after complaints from the New York tourism board. You can’t buy marketing like that! Too bad it was wasted on this movie.

    Town Crazy: Alex Diakun plays a character so crazy he wasn’t even named! He’s the “Deck Hand” aboard the ship who seems to have an idea about what’s going on. Diakun is best known for his work in nearly every Darin Morgan-penned episode of The X-Files, most recently as the Peeping Tom motel owner in “Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster”.

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    Best Kill: This one’s a “knockout.” Amateur boxer Julius is hanging in there against Jason atop a Manhattan (Toronto) rooftop, punching away until his knuckles bleed. Like any good boxer, Jason allows the young man to tire himself out. When Julius says, “Take your best shot, motherfucker,” the totally imaginable happens as Jason punches his head off. To add insult to decapitation, the damn thing lands in an open dumpster, then the lid closes. Oomph. Down goes Julius.

    Jason Goes to Manhattan … in the Final 20 Minutes: One of the big problems with Manhattan is that most of the film takes place on a ship in the open sea/lake/river. This wasn’t the original plan, with writer/director Rob Hedden pitching ideas to let Jason have his way with the Big Apple as early as the second act. Budget constraints and cold feet changed everything. In the end, Hedden had a week to shoot in New York, and it wasn’t enough.

    Summary: Should have known something was wrong when they dumped Harry Manfredini’s score for a hopelessly dated ’80s rock song to start off the movie (“Darkest Side of the Night” by Metropolis). Worse yet, the movie has the nerve to end with toxic waste transforming Jason into … himself as a little boy? Without any deformity? And still dead. Is there some urban legend I missed out on growing up? The series had officially jumped the shark, and this isn’t even the one with the psychic teen. Misleading, disappointing, and boring, Jason Takes Manhattan killed the franchise at Paramount. Four long years would pass before New Line’s resuscitation. We know how that went.

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    blood divider Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

    09. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

     Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

    “Plot”: Jason’s dead! So who’s killing all those troubled teens at a facility in Pennsylvania? And what year is this supposed to be? Why is Tommy 10 years older?

    Jason: Spoiler Alert: Jason does not exist in this movie. Well, he does, but was killed by Tommy at the end of the previous movie. He is played in hallucination form by actor Tom Morga. However, Roy a.k.a. “Fake Jason” is played by Dick Wieand. You see, ambulance driver Roy’s son is brutally murdered by an employee at a halfway house. When we see how Roy reacts at the scene, it becomes obvious that he will become the killer. Way to build suspense, writers!

    Murder by Death — Ranking the Kills:
    01. Eddie
    02. Demon
    03. Junior
    04. Joey
    05. Vinnie
    06. Ethel
    07. Robin
    08. Billy
    09. Violet
    10. Pete
    11. Jake
    12. Lana
    13. Neil
    14. Les
    15. Raymond
    16. Tina (off-screen)
    17. Anita (off-screen)
    18. Duke (off-screen)
    19. Matt (off-screen)
    20. George (off-screen)

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    Final Girl: A trio of survivors this go-round. Tommy is all grown up, although severely damaged thanks to the events of The Final Chapter. Halfway house director Pam (Melanie Kinnaman) and young Reggie (Shavar Ross) also live through the nightmare. With the outrageous number of people who don’t, they should consider themselves lucky.

    Comedy Relief: The mother/son pairing of Ethel (Carol Locatell) and Junior (Ron Sloan) as neighbors of the halfway house. Played redneck to the umpteenth degree, the duo proves more annoying than humorous. Their demise is as welcome as hope that others survive.

    Town Crazy: Where do we begin? Ethel and Junior? Roy? The disturbed teens at the center? I guess we’ll go with Tommy, whose Jason hallucinations are the best parts about the movie. By film’s end, it looked as though producers were going to go ahead with twentysomething Tommy as the new baddie of the franchise. Fortunately, they remembered that the series belongs to Jason and Jason alone. Except for part one. And part nine. And the one with Freddy, but you get my point.

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    Best Kill: Horndog hunk Eddie (John Robert Dixon) gets his head strapped to a tree, which is then tightened from behind by a stick by “Jason” a.k.a. Roy. The on-screen violence is minimal, but the snapping of the stick is cringe-inducing. A rare case of (one-time porn) director Danny Steinmann realizing what we don’t see can be a powerful tool.

    “The Demon and Anita Love Song”:
    Ooh, ooh, baby. Oooh, baby.
    Ooh, ooh, baby. Oooh, baby.
    Ooh, ooh, baby. Oooh, baby.
    Hey, baby.

    May the angels guide you to the gate. Demon, I hope that upset stomach didn’t follow you into the afterlife.

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    Summary: The franchise was known for over-the-top violence, thrills, chills, and spills, but this entry comes off as nasty and cheap. Bear with me. These movies have a low-budget, low-expectation feel to them, but there isn’t much fun to be had in A New Beginning. It was gutsy of the filmmakers to go in a different direction with a Jason-less Friday, but it wasn’t what the fans wanted. Corey Feldman (who reprises his role as young Tommy in a dream sequence) is missed. Blame The Goonies shooting schedule.

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    blood divider Ranking: Every Friday the 13th Movie From Worst to Best

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